Tag Archives: salt-and-pepper divorce

Navigating Financial Anxiety in Challenging Economic Times

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Stacy D. Phillips ●

Recessions can take anyone by surprise. Many different economists have been predicting a recession for months now, though whether it is for a long or a short downturn, and when exactly it may fall upon us, is entirely up for debate. This is the cyclical nature of the economy. Although 2023 may be a challenging in various ways, your main challenge could be controlling your fear.

In my book, Divorce: It’s All About Control. How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars, I underscore just that: control. A spouse who can control their anxiety, even in financially stressful times, can control the outcome of their divorce. This mindset is key to avoiding long-term emotional damage and will help you (ideally sooner rather than later) move on in a positive light.

The Many Effects of an Economic Downturn on Divorce

If any spouse is considering a divorce in a potentially harsh economy, they must look at their specific situation to determine if they should proceed with a divorce or wait until better economic times return. 2020 was the last significant economic downturn we experienced. Many Americans became unemployed or underemployed. However, divorcing in a weak economy could mean fewer assets for couples to divide. It could also mean you could pay less in spousal support, also known as alimony, or child support because your income has diminished. You could also buy out your spouse’s interest in an asset for a small fraction of what that asset would be worth in a healthier economy. The flipside is also true – you could receive lower spousal and child support than you otherwise would, and you could receive far less in an asset buyout than you would in a healthier economy. There is certainly no definitive circumstance. How the economy affects your potential divorce is entirely unique to you. There is no model template to know when the best time is to file for divorce. The wisest thing you can do is to talk with an experienced attorney.

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“Salt and Pepper” Divorces: The Fight for Control When Long-Term Couples Split (Part II)

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Stacy D. Phillips 

This is the second in a two-part series examining how older couples experience divorce and separation differently through the prism of the six big issues that I identified in my book, Divorce: It’s All About Control—How to Win the Emotional, Psychological, and Legal Wars, as the main causes of divorce. 

As previously mentioned, I have seen much interest in so-called “gray” divorces, or marriages that end after 25 to 35 years. I personally prefer the term “salt and pepper” divorce because most often these couples are not considered elderly. With the COVID-19 delta variant causing renewed uncertainty, many older couples are once again facing exacerbated tensions. In Part I of this series, I discussed how “salt and pepper” couples approach three of the main causes of divorce—money, property, and wealth; children; and health. In Part II, I focus on loss of love/intimacy; growth; and fear. 

Loss of Love/Intimacy 

A common cause of salt and pepper divorces is a waning desire for intimacy after many years together. Midlife crises and health issues are often at the root of these break-ups. A common divorce stereotype is that older men will ask for a divorce when they already have someone else who is more exciting and willing to take care of them. For women, the divorce stereotype is that their husbands have grown older faster than they have, and they have more energy later in life. For both men and women, there could be affairs that their spouses have suspected or known about for years, but have put off confronting or seeking divorce until they have built the confidence to do so. As the COVID-19 pandemic has lasted longer than anyone anticipated, many people in marriages where one spouse is satisfied with a more celibate relationship and the other is not, may have realized that life is too short to live this way. They are propelled and compelled to seek a divorce in order to spend their remaining years either contently alone or in an intimate relationship with someone new. 

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“Salt-and-Pepper” Divorces: The Fight for Control When Long-Term Couples Split (Part I)

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Stacy D. Phillips 

With the recent announcement that Bill and Melinda Gates, one of the wealthiest couples in the world, were divorcing after nearly three decades of marriage, I have seen an increase in interest in what the media refers to as “gray” divorces, or marriages that end after 25 to 35 years. Personally, I prefer the term “salt-and-pepper” divorce because most often these couples are not considered elderly. After more than a year of limited mobility and social distancing, many couples have felt that they have spent practically another lifetime together at home. The COVID-19 pandemic has brought many couples closer together, but for others it has exacerbated tensions that have existed under the surface, often for decades. With time and soul-searching over the past year and especially now that COVID-19 restrictions are now being relaxed and lifted across the U.S. and much of the world, many older couples are building the courage to address the six big issues that I identified in my book, Divorce: It’s All About Control – How to Win the Emotional, Psychological, and Legal Wars, as the main causes of divorce. In Part I of this two-part series I discuss how salt-and-pepper couples approach three of these issues—money, property, and wealth; children; and health. Part II will focus on loss of love/intimacy; growth; and fear.

Money, Property, and Wealth

One of the biggest distinctions of salt-and-pepper (and gray) divorces is that couples in long-term marriages are more likely to divorce at or near the end of accumulating income from their prime working years. When older couples approach divorce and separation, each spouse is acutely aware that after the split, whatever assets are left may have to last them the rest of their lives. In particular, a spouse who was the non-earner during the marriage may not be able to force the other spouse who is at or past common retirement age to continue working to pay spousal support. What may be more likely to be left for salt-and-pepper couples that are no longer earning income from working is passive income from assets that are subject to capital gains tax if sold. In light of the impact of COVID-19, there are many couples who have income tied to previously cash-producing real estate assets that have taken a hit due to rent abatement, rent freezes, and eviction moratoriums. When the lockdowns began at the beginning of the pandemic, I noticed that many people either held off on initiating a divorce or filed for divorce because lower asset valuations were to their advantage. Now that the pandemic restrictions are ending and businesses are reopening, I am still seeing a good number of people waiting to see if the economy and the value of their assets will fully stabilize before pursuing a divorce, or they are jumping on the depressed economy to try and extract a valuation advantage.

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