As we mark one year since the first shelter-in-place orders were imposed, there is practically no part of divorce that the COVID-19 pandemic has not impacted. In too many ways, the frustration at our lack of control over the events of this last year and now well into the first quarter of 2021 has exacerbated the emotional, psychological, and legal wars of separation and divorce. A particularly active battlefield where control becomes a constant tug-of-war has been the highly charged disagreements that come with fights over child custody.
With tensions as high as ever, I have taken note that many of my divorce cases that would normally settle are not settling—not just the ones involving custody. Moreover, as tensions are higher than usual, parents who are separating or divorcing are now, all too often, using disagreements over their children to score points against their ex-partner. Making matters worse, these unhappy couples have often been stuck in the same household without the normal boundaries between life and work or they may be living in separate homes but do not look at COVID-19 protections the same way, causing an accelerated unraveling.
Keeping sane during a custody fight is not easy, and especially so during COVID-19. It requires positive thinking, setting aside pettiness, and finding creative solutions that are in the best interest of your children. Despite the ongoing uncertainties of managing this school year, securing vaccine appointments for loved ones, and worrying about our health and safety, there are many ways to keep your cool during one of life’s most stressful and unfortunate circumstances.
We frequently hear stories about contentious divorces that seem to be right out of the movies. Unfortunately, these situations may not be so far-fetched. They are the emotional war games that some people engage in to assume and retain control during a divorce.
Many divorcing couples do not want to engage in any type of war, especially an emotional one. Contrary to their best intentions, however, individuals can get caught up in the turmoil of feelings, and it seems only natural to initiate or defend themselves in emotional warfare. Some participate with gusto while others do so reluctantly. In either case, attacks are launched and defended against. Casualties and collateral damage are real.
There is the ever-popular “emotional blackmail” maneuver, which is far more common than one might think. This type of battle tactic often involves the children, which is unspeakably sad. Next, there is the “hit ‘em below the belt” ploy used by the classic passive aggressor. Here too, children are often recruited as unwitting allies, and the negative effects can last for many years. Texting and emailing, of course, have become the weapons of choice for many warring couples. Inundating the other with all manner of electronic assaults is far too common. But be warned if you are tempted to go down this path: texts and emails can live forever and are certainly retrievable to be used as evidence against you.
Social media platforms are rife with the detritus of couples at war. Some attackers even engage in a deeply offensive practice known as “revenge porn,” where they post intimate, personal photos of their soon-to-be-ex-spouse, causing humiliation and significantly raising the stakes of battle.
Perhaps Danny DeVito’s character in The War of the Roses said it best. “There’s never a winner, only degrees of losing.”