Category Archives: Divorce

Freeing Yourself from Narcissistic Shackles

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Stacy D. Phillips ●

Ego. This is what you will be dealing with if you are divorcing a narcissist. Indeed, their ego is likely the main reason you choose to leave them in the first place. The word “narcissist” is something we hear often. This type of personality is generally defined as one with an idealized, grandiose image of themselves. They are, in essence, in love with themselves, if not obsessed with this inflated self-image, as it allows them to avoid hidden yet significant feelings of insecurity. It also allows them to avoid accountability. Such delusions of grandeur require a great deal of work, and this is where the dysfunctional (and potentially destructive) attitudes and behaviors come into play. 

This is not a subject I bring up idly. I have recently been dealing with an opposing party who is a narcissist and, dare I say, a sociopath. I have dealt with narcissists many times during my career, but this one really got me thinking. My client is a psychologist, and when I observed her soon-to-be ex manipulating, triangulating, and gaslighting to the extreme in mediations, hearings, and in repeated e-mails, she explained to me that that was the standard behavior of a typical narcissistic personality. What I saw was a person who was overtly grandiose and outwardly arrogant, while at the same time expressing a need for both admiration and sympathy, as well as commanding an overall obsession with themselves with no regard for others. It was then I discovered there was a science behind the madness. What I had dealt with before in my career, I understand now more completely.

By divorcing the narcissist, you are delivering a massive blow to their sense of entitlement and self-worth and, again I say, to their ego. That ego needs to be fed, and the narcissist will do so by attempting to exert control over you. The narcissist simply cannot be wrong, as being wrong is of no interest to a person who has an insatiable need for praise and admiration. Divorcing such a person is an egregious insult to them. This can bring out the worst from the worst. 

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A Court Rightfully Protects Spouses of WTC Firefighters

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New York Law Journal, April 14, 2023 ●

Alan R. Feigenbaum ●

When I was in grade school, each day began with the same ritual: stand at attention facing our nation’s flag, place your right hand over your heart, and state, in unison with your classmates: “I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

An argument can be made—a convincing argument, in fact—that lawyers should begin their workday as follows: stand at attention, place their right hand over their heart, and state, in unison with their fellow colleagues: “As a lawyer, just because I can make an argument, does not mean that I should make an argument.”

That backdrop leads us to a discussion of Justice Karen B. Rothenberg’s recent and, in my strong view, exceedingly praiseworthy decision in McClean v. The Bd. of Trustees of the Fire Dep’t of the NYC Pension Fund (NYLJ 3/21/2023, Sup. Ct., Kings Cty.).

In McClean, the petitioner, Kathleen McClean, moved for an order annulling the determination of the Board of Trustees of the Fire Department of the City of New York and the New York City Fire Pension Fund which denied her application for a Line-of-Duty Death Benefit pursuant to what is known as the World Trade Center (WTC) Legislation arising from the death of her husband, retired firefighter Dennis B. McClean (“Firefighter McClean”).

Kathleen McClean married Firefighter McClean on July 25, 2000. On 9/11, Firefighter McClean responded to the WTC attack and worked at the site for several months thereafter. In April 2002, Firefighter McClean was injured at the WTC site when a metal beam struck his leg and fractured it in several places. Firefighter McClean thereafter obtained a disability pension in 2002. In 2009, Firefighter McClean was diagnosed with prostate cancer; in 2014, the Pension Medical Board linked his cancer to his WTC exposure (to toxins while working at the site) and his pension was reclassified to that of a WTC accidental disability pension. In September 2021, Firefighter McClean died of prostate cancer.

Read more on our website.

Attorney Spotlight: Los Angeles

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Stacy D. Phillips ●

This edition of Attorney Spotlight highlights one of my Los Angeles colleagues in Blank Rome’s Matrimonial & Family Law Group—Erica Swensson.

Erica Swensson
Of Counsel

Recently promoted to of counsel at the firm, Erica and I first met in 2007 when we found ourselves on opposing sides of a number of cases.

She impressed me so much that she later became my first hire at Blank Rome. It has been a delightful experience seeing my relationship with Erica transform from a worthy adversary to an amazing coworker and friend. Please enjoy learning more about her.

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Divorcing in an Expensive Housing Market

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Stacy D. Phillips

One of the economic aftershocks that stubbornly remains more than two years after the COVID-19 pandemic began is the simultaneous spike in residential real estate prices and rents, and the plummeting inventory of available housing. In fact, between March 2020 and February 2022, the Los Angeles-Long Beach-Anaheim metropolitan area’s median single-family home value spiked 31.4 percent to $936,546, according to Zillow.com’s median home value and market rent reports.

Whether the immediate causes of the expensive market for single-family homes are snarled supply chains, historically low interest rates, or a higher demand for larger houses with more space for an office as a by-product of more flexible remote work arrangements, the market has had a significant impact on clients in the divorces we handle. In some instances, I have witnessed house sellers receiving between 30 and 40 bids during their first (and only) weekend on the market, while in other cases I have engaged in heated court battles over how high or (how low!) to price houses in this difficult-to-gauge market.

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Healing After Divorce

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Stacy D. Phillips

As we head into a new year, there once again is renewed hope that we are finally ready to heal our collective wounds from this pandemic that has overstayed its time with us. For the recently separated or divorced, those newly empty seats that were seen around the table at the holidays resonated, making this time of year especially difficult. Like any other stressful experience, many have “white knuckled” their way through a divorce and have not been able to process their feelings of anger, sadness, frustration, and angst in a healthy way.

For the recently separated or divorced who have children, the holidays were an especially emotional time. We had grown accustomed to full family gatherings. Now, the children may have shuttled between two gatherings on the same night or perhaps split Christmas Eve/Day or the days of Channukah. As parents, we have our own emotions to contend with but also need to be attuned to our children who may be sad and act out because of a separation or divorce.

For those who were particularly impacted by psychological battles with their ex-spouse, I offer a short list of tips that I first identified in my book, Divorce: It’s All About Control—How to Win the Emotional, Psychological, and Legal Wars, which can help minimize the residue from divorce and allow you to begin the healing process.

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Mastering the Art of the Holiday Pivot

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Lois Liberman

It may feel like Scrooge had something to do with the Omicron variant, as many of us are finding long-awaited vacation plans and holiday gatherings scuttled—due to a positive test result, exposure to someone with COVID- 19, or the sudden onset of symptoms. The current reality this holiday season is that you will need to be prepared to pivot on the fly. Some tips and best practices are below.

Wishing everyone (minimally stressful) warm and happy holidays!

MASTERING THE ART OF THE HOLIDAY PIVOT

  • EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. Even the boosted are getting sick, so try to manage expectations for you and your kids.
  • SET CO-PARENTING CONTINGENCY PLANS WITH YOUR EX. Have 2–3 scenarios mapped out for vacation division (travel insurance, agreed upon make-up time, and how potential quarantine obligations will be handled).
  • LIMIT THE NUMBER OF FRIENDS AND RELATIVES THAT YOU’LL ENCOUNTER. Take into consideration each person’s health and risk tolerance before trips or in-person celebrations.
  • TEST AND TRACE. Keep tabs, take at-home tests in advance of and the day after each social gathering and ask your co-parent to do the same.

“Salt and Pepper” Divorces: The Fight for Control When Long-Term Couples Split (Part II)

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Stacy D. Phillips 

This is the second in a two-part series examining how older couples experience divorce and separation differently through the prism of the six big issues that I identified in my book, Divorce: It’s All About Control—How to Win the Emotional, Psychological, and Legal Wars, as the main causes of divorce. 

As previously mentioned, I have seen much interest in so-called “gray” divorces, or marriages that end after 25 to 35 years. I personally prefer the term “salt and pepper” divorce because most often these couples are not considered elderly. With the COVID-19 delta variant causing renewed uncertainty, many older couples are once again facing exacerbated tensions. In Part I of this series, I discussed how “salt and pepper” couples approach three of the main causes of divorce—money, property, and wealth; children; and health. In Part II, I focus on loss of love/intimacy; growth; and fear. 

Loss of Love/Intimacy 

A common cause of salt and pepper divorces is a waning desire for intimacy after many years together. Midlife crises and health issues are often at the root of these break-ups. A common divorce stereotype is that older men will ask for a divorce when they already have someone else who is more exciting and willing to take care of them. For women, the divorce stereotype is that their husbands have grown older faster than they have, and they have more energy later in life. For both men and women, there could be affairs that their spouses have suspected or known about for years, but have put off confronting or seeking divorce until they have built the confidence to do so. As the COVID-19 pandemic has lasted longer than anyone anticipated, many people in marriages where one spouse is satisfied with a more celibate relationship and the other is not, may have realized that life is too short to live this way. They are propelled and compelled to seek a divorce in order to spend their remaining years either contently alone or in an intimate relationship with someone new. 

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“Salt-and-Pepper” Divorces: The Fight for Control When Long-Term Couples Split (Part I)

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Stacy D. Phillips 

With the recent announcement that Bill and Melinda Gates, one of the wealthiest couples in the world, were divorcing after nearly three decades of marriage, I have seen an increase in interest in what the media refers to as “gray” divorces, or marriages that end after 25 to 35 years. Personally, I prefer the term “salt-and-pepper” divorce because most often these couples are not considered elderly. After more than a year of limited mobility and social distancing, many couples have felt that they have spent practically another lifetime together at home. The COVID-19 pandemic has brought many couples closer together, but for others it has exacerbated tensions that have existed under the surface, often for decades. With time and soul-searching over the past year and especially now that COVID-19 restrictions are now being relaxed and lifted across the U.S. and much of the world, many older couples are building the courage to address the six big issues that I identified in my book, Divorce: It’s All About Control – How to Win the Emotional, Psychological, and Legal Wars, as the main causes of divorce. In Part I of this two-part series I discuss how salt-and-pepper couples approach three of these issues—money, property, and wealth; children; and health. Part II will focus on loss of love/intimacy; growth; and fear.

Money, Property, and Wealth

One of the biggest distinctions of salt-and-pepper (and gray) divorces is that couples in long-term marriages are more likely to divorce at or near the end of accumulating income from their prime working years. When older couples approach divorce and separation, each spouse is acutely aware that after the split, whatever assets are left may have to last them the rest of their lives. In particular, a spouse who was the non-earner during the marriage may not be able to force the other spouse who is at or past common retirement age to continue working to pay spousal support. What may be more likely to be left for salt-and-pepper couples that are no longer earning income from working is passive income from assets that are subject to capital gains tax if sold. In light of the impact of COVID-19, there are many couples who have income tied to previously cash-producing real estate assets that have taken a hit due to rent abatement, rent freezes, and eviction moratoriums. When the lockdowns began at the beginning of the pandemic, I noticed that many people either held off on initiating a divorce or filed for divorce because lower asset valuations were to their advantage. Now that the pandemic restrictions are ending and businesses are reopening, I am still seeing a good number of people waiting to see if the economy and the value of their assets will fully stabilize before pursuing a divorce, or they are jumping on the depressed economy to try and extract a valuation advantage.

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Defining your Marital Lifestyle in Divorce Post-Pandemic: Longing for (or Moving on from) the Life that Once Was

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Alan R. Feigenbaum

In one of its hallmark songs, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame band AC/DC proclaimed, “money talks.” For better or for worse, those two words find a way of ringing true in many facets of life, and contested divorce litigation is no exception. Yet during the year-long, or perhaps longer now, pandemic, if you find yourself in the middle of a divorce proceeding you might be questioning whether or not money talks anymore or has instead been tucked away until a time when normal life resumes.

The subject of your lifestyle during a marriage is bound to come up in divorce when you are quarreling over issues of child support and/or spousal support. For example, in the child support arena, when considering whether or not to award support above New York’s statutory cap for combined parental income, the law in New York considers the standard of living that a child would have enjoyed had the family unit not dissolved.

Then there is spousal support, which your lawyer will tell you, if being up front can be an ocean of uncertainty. You may have heard that New York, some years ago, established formulas for determining spousal support. But in high-net-worth cases, with incomes above and beyond the statutory cap for spousal support, those formulas can quickly give way to a focus on many factors including, you guessed it, the marital lifestyle (a fancy way of describing how you and your family lived economically during your marriage).

What do we mean by living, or lifestyle? What type of residence do you have and in what neighborhood? Do your children attend public or private schools? Does your family vacation, and if so, how many times per year and at what cost? Where do you dine out, and how frequently? At which stores do you buy clothing for you and your children? Do you belong to a gym or other private club, and if so, is it “high end”? Or, maybe you have a personal trainer at home?

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Keeping Your Sanity during a COVID Custody Fight

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Stacy D. Phillips

As we mark one year since the first shelter-in-place orders were imposed, there is practically no part of divorce that the COVID-19 pandemic has not impacted. In too many ways, the frustration at our lack of control over the events of this last year and now well into the first quarter of 2021 has exacerbated the emotional, psychological, and legal wars of separation and divorce. A particularly active battlefield where control becomes a constant tug-of-war has been the highly charged disagreements that come with fights over child custody.

With tensions as high as ever, I have taken note that many of my divorce cases that would normally settle are not settling—not just the ones involving custody. Moreover, as tensions are higher than usual, parents who are separating or divorcing are now, all too often, using disagreements over their children to score points against their ex-partner. Making matters worse, these unhappy couples have often been stuck in the same household without the normal boundaries between life and work or they may be living in separate homes but do not look at COVID-19 protections the same way, causing an accelerated unraveling.

Keeping sane during a custody fight is not easy, and especially so during COVID-19. It requires positive thinking, setting aside pettiness, and finding creative solutions that are in the best interest of your children. Despite the ongoing uncertainties of managing this school year, securing vaccine appointments for loved ones, and worrying about our health and safety, there are many ways to keep your cool during one of life’s most stressful and unfortunate circumstances.

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